Saturday, December 17, 2005

How having a boyfriend makes you better than everyone else

I was thinking the other day how having SoftTouches in my life has made me smarter.

Let me explain.

Before, when I was "Single Claire" I used to dress really innapropriately for the wether. In the summer I'd wear big wool sweaters and mittens, in the winter I'd wear flip-flops and tank tops. I was so dumb! It wasn't until SoftTouches came into my life that I realized it was the other way around. he's taught me that being cold in the inter is not a good thing. He remonds me to wear my biggest, heaviest sweaters and thermal undies (hee! mine have pictures of balloons on them) while I go outside and shovel his car out of the snow. See? If I didn't have a boyfriend I'd never know that thermal underwears keeps you warm in cold weather!

When I go to parties and see all those dumb skanky girls in their tight, expensive halter tops that accentuate their perfect breasts and those hip hugger jeans that flatter their cute butts and wearing $500 Manolo Blahnik shoes I just shake my head. They're so silly! They must be freezing cold inside those chic bars surrounded by all those guys. I'm so much better than them because I have a boyfriend. See, I don't have to wear clothes to show off my body because I already have a boyfriend who totally, totally loves me. Even SoftTouches says those girls look bad. The other night I saw him staring at one girl in her BeBe sparkly top and pin stripe tight pants. He was looking her up and down and licking his lips. When I asked him what he was looking at he said "Nothing." See! He said she was "nothing."

I efel bad for all those girls who feel like they have to dress up to attract a man. I really do. They're just such dumb bitches. They think they're so much better than everyone else because they have the money to buy that stuff. I'll take my cute Daffy's t-shirts and Old Navy dockers any day! Besides, I'm saving my money. Whoops...I mean "we" are saving "our" money. SoftTouches and I are planning for our future. That's the new stage we're in.

Stage one was during our first two weeks of dating. In just 14 days we told each other we loved each toher, moved in together and he met my parents. That's when we started preparing to open ourselves up to each other.

Stage two was the third week when he gave me the key to his apartment. I gave him my key, too, but he never comes to Jersey to see me ;( cuz he's always so busy working in the city. That's when we started creating a home together and preparing for our future.

Stage three was the fifth week where we declared outr love to our friends and family. SoftTouches was performing in a cabaret (my god...he's so talented!). I sat in the front row and watched him sing his little heart out. Next to me was another girl who must totally want a boyfriend becasue she kept staring at SoftTouches and smiling and winking. So then I started winking and waving. SoftTouches kept his eyes on me the whole time, except for once or twice when he looked at the girl next to me. But he was totally just being polite 'cause she must be a fan. I think he got kinda bothered by her cuz I think he stuck his tongue out at her and flicked it back and forth really quick!. But he made the peace sign and put it in front of his mouth first just so she knew he wasn't being mean. I think that was him trying to tell her he had a girlfriend. Hee...even when he's on stage he's thinking of me!

Stage four was combining our finances. See, where building a future together and that takes money! SoftTouches is trying to help me earn enough cash from my "Learn to Strip for Profit" classes. He even said that I could be a stripper (he loves when I shake my booty for him! LOL!) and that I could make a ton of money and then we could afford to move into a one bedroom apartment. He's working so hard at the bar and playing his harmoniguitar thing outside of Grand Central. Because I love him and want to support his dream, I've paid his rent for the last three months. That's what couples do, righyt? They help each other! He'll pay me back I know he will.

It's only been three months, my peeps, but I know he's The One. I just know it!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Love Lessons

I got an e-mail today from a woman in Philadelphia. She writes:

"Dear Claire,

Why are you always trying to sell your products and services in your blog? Don't you think that that takes away from the powerful message that you say you're trying to send to single people? It just seems like every time you write a post, you find a way to tie in a product. It makes me think that the only reason you have a boyfriend is so you can sell stuff and make money.


Sick of Your Schilling"

Hey there girlie! What's up?

First, let me tell you something. I love SoftTouches for him and not for the brilliant t-shirt idea he gave me. I can't help it that I got the boyfriend of my dreams after I completed all the excerices in my "Ready, Set, Date!" workbook. It just sort of happened because I finally was ready to have that special person in my life. It took me a long time to get here, too. When I read your letter, I realized how amazing my journey real has been and I decided to record my Journey to find The One that I can listen to it in a handy MP3 format on my iPod.

Finding that special someone makes you a totally better person. You, like, change and grow. A lot. I never could have gotten my sweet SoftTouches in my life if I hadn't done my daily affirmations and written out my hopes and dreams in my slambook.

Oooh...wait. That gives me a great idea! I think I'll design a line of slambooks. There will be pages of different stuff to do and I'll include some of my "Get Up and Date!" lessons on different pages. Then there will be a section for people to write a list of criteria or must haves for the ideal mate. They can refer to it every day! It'll be so cool! Just liek the one that Paris Hilton printed last summer. Not that I'm copying her or anything. I come up with my own ideas. I know what I'll call this book......"My Dating Diary - Practical Love Lessons & Affirmations."

Hee. Thanks for your letter, Schill. I can't wait to tell SoftTouches.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

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Saturday, December 03, 2005

How to be a great boyfriend

Buenos Dias, Mis amigos. (Hee, betcha didn't know I was bilingual! :) )

Boys, take note! Here are reasons why SoftTouches is such a great boyfriend.

SoftTouches is a really hard worker and sometimes we don't have time for sex. He works such weird hours so it's hard for our schedules to jive. When he gets home at night he's soooooo tired. I mean, he's so wiped out that he doesn't even have the energy to make sweet, sweet love to me like he used to. But he still manages to make time for me. We compromise. Instead of the super sweet slow lovemaking we used to have when we first got together, now we make sure to make time for quickies. They are SOOOO easy (hee!) When SoftTouches gets home late from his job, he just flops my on my tummy and enters me from behind. I always want to talk to him, but he's so exhausted that he accidentally keeps smushing my face into the pillow and can't hear me. ;(

The other night SoftTouches came home at one in the morning. He was cranky. I kept trying to kiss him but he kept moving away from me and said he wanted to take a shower first to get some of the "stank" off of him. He's so considerate! He wants to be so fresh and clean for me.

SoftTouches loves to show me how much he loves and desires me. The other night he bit my nipple so hard that I bled a little bit and it left a mark. He said he did that so I could be reminded of his love all day long. Hee! That's better than a greeting card!

SoftTouches thinks I should go out and meet new people. He's always telling me to go out and find a girl to bring home with me. That's so cute. He wants me to have somone to talk to on those nights when he's at work working. Man, am I lucky or what? ;)

I totally know that SoftTouches and I are meant to be. Every once in a while I think about Mr. Happy and I think "See what you missed out on? SEE!" He just wasn't ready for the "new" Claire. He wanted me to stay the "single Claire." But I didn't want to be the "single Claire" anymore. I wanted to be "coupled up" Claire. I wanted to have someone who was going to shower me with the attention that my Daddy always told me I deserved.

This past weekend SoftTouches and I took a romantic walk in the snow. We even made snow angels (hee!) As I was lying down on the ground, flapping my arms and legs SoftTouches stood over me and pulled out his penis and started to tinkle on my head. He said he was making my angel a halo! (Awwww ;) Isn't that cute? Some of it got in my eye and mouth but I didn't make him stop because I knew how much it meant to him to be out communing with nature and feeling free.

I'm telling you guys...our love just gets deeper and deeper. I mean, I know I say that ALL THE TIME but this time I really mean it. We're, like, so in synch. We've started clearing out all of our single behavior to make room for our new couple behavior. See now we're all about "us" and "we." SoftTouches asked me to give him the PIN number to my bank card and you know what? I totally did! He's building a future for us and wants to make an "nest egg." (hee!) He said he was going to take a little bit of the money I was saving to get some skin graphs to cover all the scars on my thighs and arms (BTW...I haven't cut myself ONCE since dating SoftTouches - See how good he is for me??) and was going to invest it. He aid he was going to go and invest the money in a CD (or was it AC?) Oh well. I'm not sure.

Wow...time to go. SoftTouches went to Atlantic City for an audition and he's gonna be back soon. I have to make sure I'm all ready for him when he gets home cause he's always really really tired when he comes home from his auditions. He's trying out for a part in some romantic comedy and warned me he might come home smelling like cheap perfume. Not a problem. I love him and support him so that's okay.

See you later, alligators.................

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I have a boyfriend for the holidays! Yeah!

Hey my peeps! How's it hangin'?
(The Clairester is feeling funny today. Hee.)

Heres a tter from one of my 18,000 readers. She must have found my blog through Google cuz I am ranked number one, baby! That was such a smart idea SoftTouches had about white texting all sorts of adwords onto my website. He told me to add words like "anal penetration" and "rim job" and "sex toy." But I would have gotten that ranking anyway because my business is so amazingly successful and popular. *wink.*

Oh..wait..what was i talking about? Oh yeah. This letter:

"Hi Claire. I don't know what it is about the holidays that makes me so depressed. My therapist says it's normal to feel lonely during the holidays and he upped my dosage of Lithium. I was wondering how you handled be alone over the holidays?"

My response: What's up girlie? Sorry to hear that you're bummin. I know what you mean. I used to be so down during December. I'd walk around outside and see all the couples holding hands and just want to punch all of them. But I didn't, of course, 'cuz that's wrong. Hee! No, instead I'd go home and make tiny littl cuts in my thighs and wipe my bloodied fingers on my wall. That always made me feel much better.

I was just looking at my slam book from Christmas of 2004. Wow...I can't believe how much my life has changed since then. I wrote about how much I hated the holidays and wanted to slit all the throats of all the obnoxious girls in my dance classes who talked about shimmying and shaking for their man. It was so rude of them to brag about having a boyfriend and rubbing it in my face. So, just to get them to stop, I mixed a little lye into the shower gel at the dance studio. Hee.....they weren't so pretty after that. Guess they're boyfriends only loved them for their looks. With all those marks on the face and arms, they never semed to have any more stories about kissing and huggging their man. Hah! SoftTouches loves me for so much more than my body. Totally. He loved to tell me how smart and sexy he thinks I am. He even writes cute little notes for me on his IM chat window. I see them every morning on his computer ('cause we practically live together now - hee!) . The IM chat window is up and there's little notes inside like "Are you Daddy's little dirty girl?" and "Baby, show me your sweet, sweet ass." I always try to reply to them and leave him my own little love note, but his keybaord is always really sticky. Hmmm...

Oh well! :) I have a boyfriend now!!!! It's so cool to have someone to share hot cocoa with and dress up for. Just the other night SoftTouches brought over a little school girl outfit for me. He even bought me panties. Now, if that's not intimcay i don't know what is ;) (SQUEE!) They were really cute, too, except they looked like the kind I'd wear in junior high. You white cotton panties? I thought he'd buy me a sexy thong but...of's the thought that counts, right? LOL! The plaid skirt was sooooo cute. I'm totally going to wear it to my next "Get Ready!Get Set! Date!" workshop. You should totally come to that! If you do you'll hear me re-tell the story of how I met SoftTouches and you'll be inspired by how I was able to find love after I used all of my super-secret affirmation techniques. It totally works. I'm living proof. It can work for you too. Then you can have someone to buy Christmas gifts for. I was telling SoftTouches yesterday how I can't wait to stuff his stocking and he said "Yeah, me too! I can't wait to stuff yours, either" Then he pulled my hair and forced me to my knees and shoved his manhood in my mouth and told me he wanted me to "take it all." Hee. He's so giving and loving!

So, to answer your question I guess I'd say to keep taking your Lithium (FYI...they down really easy with a shot of vodka) and sign up for my "Get Ready! Get Set! Date!" workshop.

Good Luck!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Busy, Busy Busy

Hi Friends! has been a really busy day. I spent all morning redesigning my website and adding all sorts of new stuff for you people to waste...woopss...spend your money on. SoftTouches told me that he thinks it would be really cool if I sold t-shirts with my face on them. Last night while I was on my knees giving him a BJ (hee!) he whipped out a digital camera and took a picture of my face while he was spurting all over it. He said that that was the "money shot" and then set up that picture to be his screensaver. SoftTouches said that he...I mean we...could make loads of cash if we sold that picture, so I decided to put that picture on a t-shirt and sell it. (Isn't it sweet how he's always thinking of ways to help my business grow? ) On the front of the shirt will be my picture with my mouth open wide and litle white droplets of SoftTouches' love all over my face. On the front it'll say "Love is...." Then on the back it'll say...."Swallowing" and then my phone number is printed on the back of the shirt. SoftTouches said it's my "CallClaire" t-shirt and was a really smart way to advertise my services. Heeeee....that was SoftTouches' idea. Isn't he creative?

I was in the shower this morning and, while I was shaving my private area (SoftTouches likes a clean workspace...squee!) , I was thinking about how much I've grown and changed since becoming part of a couple.

I can't tell you how amazing it has all been. Having a boyfriend has totally changed my life. I went to Subway today to buy my daily hero and 8 peanut butter cookies. The guy behind the counter offered to give me a few extra to take home with me. But then he says something about "working for it" and pointing his head towards the store room. Hmmm...weird. But isn't it funny how he just KNEW that I had someone to go home to? It's like he could sense how in love I am! Usually when I go in there my mascara is streaked from my daily crying jag over not having a boyfriend and I sit in the corner booth scrawling my daily "I want a boyfriend so I'm never alone ever again" affirmation 500 times in teeny, tiny print over and over in my slam book. But not today!!! He must have noticed the difference in me and just KNEW I had a boyfriend. It was like I was wearing a big sign over my head that said "I have a boyfriend!!!!" He even winked at me and told me that my CallClaire t-shirt was "hot" and asked "how much for one of those?" See! SoftTouches was right. People totally want to buy one of my t-shirts! He's so smart and incredible. I've already gotten tons of calls from guys saying that they want to hire me. Wow. SotTouches knew that this wuld be a great way to advertise my business and he was SOOOOO right! Guys keep calling me and asking if they can come over to my place and get things started. (At least I think they said "place." Maybe they said "face." Dunno.) They're DYING to get me to help them learn how to find their true love. They must have been inspired by my "coupled up Claire" vibe that I give off when I wear my t-shirt. SoftTouches even offered to videotape the sessions I have with these guys so I could sell them. I love working on creative projects with SoftTouches! LOL!

God, he's just the perfect boyfriend isn't he?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

What's it like to be in love?

Yesterday a reader wrote to me and she wrote, "Hi Claire!!! Your story is so amazing and inspiring. I'm so glad that I have your blog to read. Tell me, what's it like to have a boyfriend? My therapist said that I'm not ready to have a serious relationship until the slashes on my wrists heal, so I guess I'll have to live vicariously through you and SoftTouches. *wink*""

My response: Wazzzuuuppp, girl!!! What's shakin bacon? Well, I'm glad you asked about how it feels to be in love. It's sooooo wonderful. I feel so supported and loved all the time. I'm always telling SoftTouches how he makes me feel so full inside. When I tell him that he ususally says "Yeah? I can make you feel even fuller!" and then bends me over the couch in our new apartment (heee....."our" apartment, doesn't that sound great?) and makes sweet love to me from behind. He says that even though he spanks me until my bum gets red and pulls my hair, that he really, truly does love me and that he does those things to show me how much. See how he's always trying to make me feel wanted and special? I love him so much! I don't know what I'd do without him. I was telling my Dad and Mom about him and they smiled and said "That's nice dear" and kept reading their newspaper and exhanging these really cute looks. It was like they could feel how wonderful I feel. I asked Daddy if he would give SoftTouches money to produce a play he's been writing. See, I love Soft Touches so much that I want to be part of all of his creative endeavors and totally support him. That's what you do for someone you love. You blindly support them and their dreams. Daddy said no, though :(. I guess Daddy is just jealous that his little Princess has a new man in her life. Hee!

So to answer your question.....being in love is amazing! I've grown as a person. I don't feel the need to write in my slam book about how I hate all those people out there with boyfriends anymore! It's so great!

P.S. Bummer about your wrists. Can you wear a sweater to cover them? Then maybe you can find a guy like SoftTouches. and we can write to each ther about how amazing we feel! I could really use someone to talk to about my amazing boyfriend. None of my friends return my calls :Oh yeah...Check out my Products page, cuz I just created a new line of wrist cuffs that you can use to cover those nasty cuts up. I seem to get a lot of letters from people with cuts on their wrists so I thought "Hey, Claire! Here's a great product for you to sell and make money off of!"

The love story begins

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I finally met the man I have been waiting all my life for. His name is SoftTouches. I call him that because his touches are so soft! LOL! RMAOTF!

The only problem is, no one has ever seen him. It really sucked being alone because I'm always the one by myself at family holidays and Friday nights and I really wanted someone that I can show off and who really wants to be with me and really wants to go out and spend all of his time with me. Then I found Him! My SoftTouches.

The other day when I was walking my dog, Drama Queen, around the park I was talking to SoftTouches. I was telling him how amazing I thought he was and how he had totally changed my life. But because no one can see him all these people walking by me thought I was talking to myself and crossed the street. They think I'm crazy but I know they're really just jealous of my SoftTouches and the amazing relationship that we have.

How did we meet?

Well, I'm so glad you asked! ;)

I had been dating another guy, let's call him Mr. Happy, for a few months.Well, was just a few dates but he e-mailed me all the time and said how much he enjoyed being my friend and wanted to be friends and thought we'd be better friends than lovers. He obviously just wasn't ready for the powerful connection that we shared. I could feel him connected to me and always knew when he was thinking of me. I'd sit on my computer and wait for him to log on to AOL, but he never stayed on for long 'cuz whenever I'd send him an IM he'd log off. He's so busy! He works in television and I know he had a lot going on. I mean, we work in the same industry. (Well, I temp at Rockefeller Center..same dif right? LOL!)

Opps...getting off track :) So, we broke up because he just wasn't ready to be soulfully committed to me and was scared of our powerful connection. He was being silly. I mean, it had been three weeks!!! How can he say he's not ready? So we broke up :(

Then, a couple days later I was thinking and wishing and hoping and praying that I could meet a younger guy to "have fun with" (wink wink HEE!). This guy would be sexy and driven and smart and passionate and, of course, be totally into me and want to spend every waking moment with me.

So, I wrote up exactly what I wanted in the Perfect Boyfriend, consulted my mystical healer and my shaman and then bought some eye of newt and wing of bat and ....POOF!!! I found my Mr. Right. He works in a bar where I sometimes work. I mean, I don'yt "work there" worj there cuz I am a mogul in the making with my Mexican Hat Dance classes and pizza parties. I just work there to hang out with people and promote my business. I'm totally successful, totally. Uh huh. Like , way way successful. I had to up the minutes on my cell phone plan because I'm so popular and successful. So one night I was cutting up limes and oranges and saw this really cute guy looking at me. Then I was looking at him. Then everyone saw us looking at each other and was looking at us. It was sooooo romantic cuz I could tell by the way he looked ta me that he totally loved me. We've been inseperable ever since. After a week I told him I loved him and he said he felt the same way! Wee!!!! Finally...I'm not alone anymore. I have exactly what I've always wanted. What I used to dream about when I was 14 and writing in my diary while wearing that awful headgear. He's exactly like that guy I wrote about back then when I was crushing on Geoff from Social Studies who dated that whore cheerleader Mandy. Geoff totally wanted ME! He used to always look over at me and lean over my shoulder when we'd be taking our tests in school and he'd always let me help him with his homework. He totally liked me! He was just pretending not to know who I was in the halls cuz he wanted to keep out love a secret because if people found out then Mandy would be really mad. She was such a bitch and I HATED her!!I FUCKING HATED HER!! STUPID SLUT! HE LOVED ME!

Woops ...sorry got distracted LOL!!!

So...back to SoftTouches. Now he spends all his fre time here at my apartment in Jersey and I travel into Manhattan to stay with him when he can't come see me. He's a very busy actor and singer. For now he works as a barback at a bar in Manhattan but he'd totally going to be successful! He loves me so much! He tells me every time he penetrates and violates my ass. He'll tell me how I'm his dirty, dirty girl who like to take it all in. He pulls out his pee pee and points it at my face and cums all over it and laughs while he calls me ...wait...what does he say? His "cum slut?" That's his little pet name for me, just like how I call him SoftTouches. He's so funny. He calls me his "dirty girl." Hee! He's so funny.

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